“Understanding and working with our emotions is the root of change and essential to everything we do. Working with our emotions goes beyond just asking, “what do you feel?” It’s about listening to our emotions, understanding what they are communicating to us and using that information to help us solve problems. The ability to tolerate and express emotion is not only connected to greater mental health, but to greater physical health as well.”
In a recent post written by Rachel Eddins on www.theravive.com/blog, this blog discusses some great points.
“Our emotions are a messaging system, communicating important information to us all the time. We can check in and ask ourselves, what am I feeling, listen to get the message from the emotion and decide what action needs to be taken. Emotions tell us when we are in danger, when boundaries have been crossed, when we need to let go or get rid of something. Being aware of emotions helps us in making decisions, resolving problems, and responding to situation and events.
Emotions motivate our behavior. For example, if you are crossing the street and you see a car run a red light in your direction, you will likely perceive danger, get anxious, and run to get out of the way. Emotions help us communicate with people. If you feel a boundary is being violated, your feeling of anger may prompt you to say no. Emotions also help us to recognize what others are feeling. Emotions communicate to us what we like and do not like. This includes a variety of information such as hobbies, people, work, interests, food, how we prefer to be treated, our values, etc.
So why is it so hard to work with our emotions?
Many of use never received training in working with our emotions. Rather we were told “man up”, “girls don’t get angry,” “boys don’t cry,” and so forth. Very well meaning caregivers taught us that emotions were to be avoided. Culturally, we have an allergy to emotions. There are endless books published on the pursuit of happiness. We are constantly seeking to avoid the uncomfortable. We look for solutions on how to “fix” our problems and make them go away. When we’re in pain, others give advice on how to fix vs. validating how we feel. We’re simply not skilled in working with our emotions. In many cases, our brains have learned to respond to our emotions as a threat to be avoided.
Emotions are part of our limbic system in the brain, which is different from our thinking system. When our brain senses danger (our own thoughts and emotions can be sensed as danger), an alert system goes out much more rapidly than our thinking brain can process. In these cases an automatic emotional response happens before we can do anything to stop it. An example might be reacting strongly when someone cuts you off, or jumping back in fear when something is thrown at you. When we have learned to perceive our own emotions or those of others as dangerous, we can have this same reactive response to our own internal sensations and emotions. This can create problematic reactions in our lives!
A Few Points About Emotions
All feelings are real. They are not always true in terms of the feedback that they give us about the current situation. For example, you could hear a loud noise and experience fear. Yet, when you explore further, you could find there is nothing to fear. Emotions aren’t right or wrong, good or bad, positive or negative. Emotions can be thought of as unpleasant or pleasant. Emotions feel problematic when they’re judged to be the wrong ones, when we overreact or underreact, or we get stuck in one. The goal with all emotions is to make space for them and to let them flow. When this happens, emotions come and go like rolling waves.
Working with Our Emotions
So how do we become more skilled at understanding our emotions? These three steps will help you to tune in and get the message your emotions are trying to send you. This is not an easy process. It takes practice!
1. Become Aware of Your Emotions
To most accurately identify what you are feeling, you will want to focus on your internal, physical sensations. Emotions exist in the body and show up in the form of physical sensations such as sadness in your eyes or excitement in your stomach. Focus on internal sensations in your body and let them be without trying to change them. Just observe and allow them to be there. When we repress, stuff, or avoid unpleasant emotions they get stuck. Observing your emotion without resistance allows it to flow. Separate the feeling from the verdict. The verdict is the judgment (failure); the feeling is the feeling (pain in my stomach). Remember, allowing our emotions, will allow them to flow and not become stuck.
2. Claim and validate your emotions.
Naming your emotions activates the logical brain, which helps balance the emotional side. Be careful though not to get caught up in thoughts, which will disconnect you from your body/emotions. Watch out for analyzing, assessing, or judging. Accept that the emotion is present for a good reason. Validate that you are feeling this way and that it’s hard.
3. Identify what you need and choose the behavior:
Check in and ask yourself if there is anything that needs to be done. For example, if you are feeling angry, it could be telling you to enforce a boundary with someone. If you are feeling restless, you might want to get up and move around to release some energy. If you are feeling sad or hurt, you may want some comfort, connection or soothing. Ask yourself what might be helpful and see if anything comes up for you.
For more information on Managing your Emotions, please contact Healthwise Behavioral Health & Wellness.